It is quite an interesting project to sit down and analyze how by end of day one manages to utilize time the best possible way. It is surprisingly depressive, however, how, after the analysis, one actually feels that our days just passed by.. and in the mist of working, managing and accomplishing, many times one forgets to smile, or enjoy the simple things of life – like a nice cup of coffee.
This happened to me for about 8 years. Eight years just flew by me, without even knowing how, when or why. There were 8 years of many accomplishments. Career-wise I built the foundations of the successful future I’m creating for myself. Financially wise, I did things some people would only think to accomplish by 40. Educationally wise, I managed to stay in college while working full time and being a mom. Personally wise, I managed a home, a child a husband and me. So yes, I was this busy bee who knew nothing about the city I lived in, the co-workers I shared my office space with, the neighbors I had, the friends that surrounded me, the TV shows on air, the warmth of the sun, the cold drops of rain. So yes, I managed my life, by living in this box: this cube with no windows that blocked my sight to the outside. I only saw, managed and breathed what I had set my mind on to do – nothing else!
Was this happiness? Of course not! It was comfort. It was a routine that kept me organize, mind-driven and away of trouble – but didn’t make me happy.
Happiness is in oneself. But it can only be found, once we decide to be happy. How does that happen? Well, in many instances it involves tears, broken hearts, and big changes – tons of sacrifices. In my case, it meant – stop, lift your head up.. do you see the sun? do you feel its warmth touching your skin? Can you feel the wind? Can you sing to its tune? Can you breathe? In my case it meant to die, to quit my path, and change the direction of my life. It meant forgiveness and a long and deep journey to inward to analyze where I had lost track and control of my life. I had to find the day, the moment, the instant I had decided to wear this mask to become “this someone else” .. this cold bitch that isolated every signal of love in the efforts of avoiding getting hurt.
Analyzing is good. But changing is better. I am excited about this blog thing… it is my first time using it. And even thought I am busy.. probably smelling the flowers, I doubt I’ll be busy to write.. ‘cause for me, is that time of the day I spend with myself, analyzing, thinking and putting in paper how I felt, what I thought, how I lived.
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I was fooling around; had nothing to do because it’s my first week back to classes, so I decided to snoop on Facebook and I found your blog! I have to say at the beginning I felt weird reading some of your stuff; I felt they were personal issues, but then I realized you must have published this webpage because you actually want/hope/expect people to visit it…or at least you have no problem knowing others are stopping by to read some of your thoughts. I just wanted to let you know I really liked it! I didn’t know you had such writing skills. And it’s not just that I think it’s very well written – I also like writing…in Spanish, though –, it’s not just the great way in which you organized ideas and made things clear to any “someone” who’s reading. I found it very interesting and at the end of it I thought… “she’s right, it’s true… happiness is in oneself”. Anyway, now I’m feeling weird about my comment, jaja. Chaop
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